Always Follow Sage Advice: 100th St

"Don't go north of 100th street," my friend told me. "When have I steered you wrong?"

Never. Still never. I decided to take a look at the upper west side this week, as I've finally gotten settled into my new place in what's sort of Hell's Kitchen. Most everything in the upper west side is ridiculously expensive, and everything else is rent controlled and therefore occupied by 70-year-olds paying $1,000 a month to live across the street from Central Park. So obviously, my options are a bit limited.

My plan was to look for stuff in the $2,000-2,300 range, a bit more than what I'd ideally pay, but anything less than that was either in the Bronx or Spanish Harlem. I found a few places in the 90s, but by the time I called, all but one was rented.

The one that wasn't didn't quite work out, either. As it turns out, the "tenant" had already moved to "England," and wanted me to FedEx "her" a check for $1,900, the first month's rent. Slight problem: I'm not retarded. Bitch was in "Nigeria"; between the awkward writing style and bizarre greeting, the whole deal reeked. So back to Craigslist I went.

This time, I found a place nestled just north of 100th, for $1,900 again. "What the hell," I thought. "What's the difference between 97th and 104th?" I called and made an appointment for the early evening, hopped on the No. 2 train and came out on 96th and Broadway.

As I walked around, I decided this was a place I could live. It's kinda residential, but there's a bunch of independent stores and restaurants all over the place. It was milling with people, too, which I like; deserted areas in a city with 8 million people concern me. The buildings are all brick and really clean. Great area.

I headed north to 97th, still good; 98th, still good; 99th, still good; 100th, oh my, what's that tall building? I moved a bit closer and looked up. It must've been 30 stories and was residential. It stuck out like a sore thumb. As I got closer, I saw a placard that read, "Managed by the New York Housing Ability." Oh, it's a project. No big deal - these weren't exactly the towers from The Wire. I kept on moving, making a note that this place might get vetoed by my girlfriend, regardless of what the place looked like.

As I walked up to the building's entrance, I found a deal-breaker of my own: Four young gentleman all wearing the same striking shade of red. They weren't exactly menacing, but all I could think was, "It's 6:30, and the bloods are already blocking up a corner?" I grew up in one of the middle-class areas in a dangerous city, and I lived for some time in a southern city with a hilariously high per capita violent crime rate. (We weren't St. Louis or Baltimore, but by God we tried!) I know the dudes sitting around a corner are pretty harmless, and I know if you're not part of a criminal enterprise, the criminal enterprise leaves you alone. But I also don't want to walk my dog at midnight, or stumble home drunk at 2:30, when I could see or bump into the wrong thing. Why put myself into that situation when I don't need to?

As it turns out, the woman I made the appointment with wasn't even at the damn apartment. I called her and got her voicemail, so I took it as a sign to head home. It was a nice night (every time it begins to sprinkle, everyone in the city runs for cover or busts out an umbrella - i don't get it), so I opted to walk the 50-ish blocks home. I've been taking a bit too much advantage of all the restaurants around my place now, and figured the hike couldn't hurt. I cut over to Central Park West (which I now know turns into 8th avenue at Columbus circle) and strolled home, counting doormen every block I went along.

Even though the area is picturesque, I'm not sure I could live there. Everything feels too uniform, even compared to the upper east side, which I walked through over the weekend with a buddy. The people all dressed the same - designer business casual for the girls, casual suits or business casual for the guys. I'm pretty sure my pseudo-socialist viewpoint and torn up shoes wouldn't go over with the doormen.

Sure beat north of 100th, though.